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metalfreak06
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Name: Sage
Birthday: 12/23/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: goth/punk look and scene, heavy metal and punk music, dark poetry, art, writting, history, real vampires, archeology, the Civil War, Wicca, swords, knives, and anything medevil, philosophy, RTS games, the transgender community
Expertise: writting dark poetry, being depressed, making people think I'm crazy, being dramatic, predicting the future, never having anything to do, and being boring
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  HeavyMetalWitch
MSN: pxc12@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  heavy_metal_witch
Member Since:
5/6/2005
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| I finally went to that class earlier this afternoon. It was definately more than I was expecting. It was like sex education on a level you'd never see them teach in school. We had to watch a video with different scenarios and say what the people in them should do, put a condom on a fake penis showing the right way to do it, and we also put a flovored condom on our fingers and tasted it. I found out strawberry tastes like cough syrup, and that cola is no good at all. It wasn't so bad though, I met a couple of really nice FtMs in the waiting room before we went in and got to talk for a while. There were only 4 of us in the class, and it was me and one other MtF, and 2 FtM's, so it was pretty even. At least it was a one time only class, so I won't have to worry about it again. I did find out that they're starting a support group for MtFs, so who knows I might get into that at some point. I had my blood pressure checked after that was over. It's still up some, 130/80, so she's getting me to come back in 2 weeks to see how it is then. I don't really have high blood pressure, but it being a little higher then normal is an indicator that I might have it later in life, so I can see the concern. She said once we get the blood pressure under control she'll increase my estrogen, so I'm going to do everything I can to keep it down for next time. Once I get on the meds she said I'll probably only need to come back every 2 or 3 months, so hopfully I'll be able to get a job by then. I'll write more later, I'm kind of tired and distracted right now. | | |
| Today started off shitty, got even worse, and then got better, and yet I'm not happy. I got a call from the clinic at like 9 in the morning to tell me that I had to come there on the 19th for that mandatory class I have to take. Aparently if I don't go I don't get anymore help from the doctor. So I was freaking out over that all day. Then I called my mom to try and talk to her about everything that was said before. I actually got her this time, and things really took a turn for the worst. She's being stubborn as hell about giving me the respect that I'm asking for. I ended up telling her not to bother asking me to do anything with her anymore, and said to call me when she felt like talking to me the way I want. When she had to go and said that she loved me, I just said bye and hung up. So yeah, I feel like a real jerk after that, horrible actually. I just feel like I have to remove the people from my life who are unsupportive of me. I called my friend up after that and actually found out that her boyfriend has every tuesday off from work and is willing to take me, so I guess everything came out alright with that. It's just things with my mom that are bringing me down. I should be happy after everything I've done lately, but having to push my mom out of my life over this just makes me feel horrible. I can't believe I did it, and I'm starting to wonder if I should. I don't know, this hurts like hell, but I still think it's for the best. The people who can only criticize me will do nothing but hurt me in the long run, so I know I have to get them out of my life before they do too much damage. I'm hoping she comes around soon, but I'm not counting on it. This is one of the worst parts about doing all this, I'm losing an old life, but I guess I can say I'm gaining a new one too. Oh yeah, here's a poem I wrote last night, I guess it speaks for itself about how much progress I've made. No Time to Die I don't have any time to die right now.
I'm too busy putting this new life together.
I'm tearing the old one down,
and using the pieces to begin the new.
it hurts like hell, but the fear within me was a cancer,
and it had to be removed.
my old life was on the road to self destruction.
this time I'm setting the right course, and I'm sticking to it.
I used to spend my days thinking of ways to die,
but lately, all I can think of are ways to live.
I'm not the same person I used to be.
there's so much more to me than there ever has been before.
the foundation is layed for this new life of mine,
and this time it's not falling apart.
I'm building it up, bit by bit, it will all come with time.
for now I just have to survive, I'll worry about dying later. | | |
| I would have wrote something last night, but I was too upset when I got home to do much of anything. We got about half way to the clinic and they called and told me that clinic had been cancelled for the night because the doctor couldn't make it in. Needless to say I was pretty pissed off at that point. I couldn't tell them right then when I could come in so I had to call back later to make an appointment. My friend's boyfriend said he had the 12th off and that he could take me then, so I'm trying to get one for that day. I called last night and left a message but I haven't gotten a call back still. This really sucks too, I was hoping I'd get hormones this time, now if I can ever get anyone on the phone I'll still have to wait another 2 weeks. Once again it seems as if everything that can go wrong for me does. I've been pretty depressed all day today. To add insult to injury so to speak, I called my mom today and got to talk to her for a while, and now she's saying she won't call me her daughter until I have the operation. That just hurts, her of all people saying something that bigoted about what I'm going through, after she supported me as much as she has in the past. I tried to explain things to her, but all she would say is that until I've got what she does I'm not a girl. That just completely ruined my day. I'm so sick of things going the way they do for me. It's like people just toy around with me at first to make me get comfortable around them and then they hurt me. I can't take anymore of this shit from my family. Everyone I've asked to call me Sage and refer to me as a girl has been ok with it. I don't see why it's so damn hard to think that just maybe what's in your pants isn't what makes a woman. I'm growing boobs, wearing womens clothing and make up, and I plan to change my name to fit me as a woman. So I think I deserve at least enough respect to be called a woman. I've worked hard to get to where I am now with this and to have someone tell me that I'm not a real woman until I've got a vagina just pisses me the fuck off. I can't help it that I wasn't born female, I just wish of all people my own mom would take me seriously about this. Maybe I set my hopes too high for my family, I thought at least a few of them got me, but I guess today kind of shot that thought down. At least I've got friends I can count on, the only thing I can count on with my family is for them to let me down anytime I need them. | | |
| Well to get to the point, I've got a lot of news so I'll cut right to it. I decided to go to the free clinic I found, so now I'm getting help from a doctor with everything. With some luck I'll get hormones from them soon. I absolutely love it at the clinic too, there's always other people like me around so I feel really at home there. I've been going the last few times dressed up too, so I've finally taken a big step and am going out in public as a girl some. I actually kind of like it so far. I didn't get as many stares as I was expecting but it was a city in that area so I guess it's normal to the people there. Um ok going in cronological order here, it was around christmas that I found out that my dad and step mom are getting divorced, no surprise there to be truthful. Next big thing, I actually met someone that lives in the same area as the clinic who's looking for a roommate. Best of all they're like me! So we've been talking for a few days now and we're thinking of looking for a place together sometime next year. Neither one of us are full time yet, so we're thinking we'll do that when we move in together so we can be kind of self supportive. I kind of like the idea of living with someone else like me anyway : ) It all fits into my time frame, I'll have some time to get a full time job around here and save up some money so I can afford the move when the time comes. I also want to try and get my name changed some time this year too. Sage can be a guy or girl name, so I think I can get away with it until I go full time. I know everything I have to do for it, I just to follow through and do it. I've been doing some odd jobs and stuff to hold me on money until I can get a good job too, so things are looking up for me right now. I just hope they stay that way. I've got a big list of things to get done this year, so hopfully all of that will go well. I'm finally getting off my ass and doing something drastically good for my life. That's basically a summary of the last couple months. I would have posted sooner on here but I've started up another blog to keep track of my transition on. I'm hoping that I might have enough to write a book about things from it some day. Plus it'll be nice to have some record of my thoughts later on after all this is done. I'll try to keep this site updated too, but don't be surprised if I fall behind on it again, things are crazy around here now. Well that's all till next time. | | |
| I know I haven't updated in a while. Things a little busy around here. I've been trying to find a doctor to help me with everything for a couple of weeks now. Nothing local, but I found a free clinic about an hour away that does hormone therapy. My grandparents are refusing to take me anywhere to get help, so I'm counting on my mom and my friend to get me there. My mom thinks she can help me and my friend has already agreed to take me if she has off from work tuedsay afternoon. It hasn't been easy just to get to this point with things, but hopfully I can start making more progress. I may be able to get hormones for free if I go to this place I found, so it's definately worth checking out. I may even get to meet some other people like me there too. Today went better than I was expecting though. I've been pretty depressed lately, and my grandparents were going somewhere else today, so I thought I was spending Thanksgiving at home. My mom called me at like 7 this morning and asked if I wanted to go to my aunts with her, so I did since I hadn't seen her in like 6 months. It wasn't anything fancy, my grandpa cooked all the food and we just sat around talking, but it felt good to get away from home. Everyone in my moms side of the family knows about me and doesn't care, so I feel a bit more comfortable around them. I skipped out on going to my other aunts wednesday night for dinner with my grandparents just because I never feel comfortable around my dad's side of the family. I've told everyone but my dad about me so far, and everyone seems to be ok with it to some extent, but honestly none of my family around here seems very willing to help me out if I need it. I talked to my aunt on my mom's side about things today and she told me if I needed any help to ask her. God forbid anyone on my dad's side make an offer to help me if they can. My aunt even knows a couple of the doctors that work at that clinic. She's a nurse so she might even be able to get me in touch with other doctors that can help. Well I've got some options for everything now, so I guess all that's left to do is see which ones work for me. I've got a lot to go through, but I just can't sit here and do nothing expecting to get what I want. I'm scared as hell of what might go wrong, but I've got to take the chance. I guess that's about all I can write for now. | | |
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